HOW TO WRITE A CREEPY LOVELETTER OF CUT-UP NEWSPAPERS TO
ALEXANDER O. SMITH IN FIVE EASY STEPS

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Alexander O. Smith is the sheer brilliance behind, most notably, Vagrant Story's localization; his translation work is fantastic, and can only be said to have imbued that game with the added finish of english badassery. As such, Mssr Smith's been tagged for some Final Fantasy XII crazy time, and we can only await with panty twisting delight. "Ye are a stain on the escutcheon of our order!" ♥

The following is-- I, I really have no shame. It's all moronic jesting on the theme of I LOVE THIS PERSON SO MUCH I'D WRITE THEM CREEPY LOVELETTERS MADE FROM CUT-UP NEWSPAPERS LOLZ. And one day, I will look back at this, and be forced to commit honourable suicide. Please, just stop reading and go do something more productive-- like playing Dirge of Cerberus! Or eating paint chips! You'll be doing yourself a huge freakass favour.

... PLAYING DIRGE OF CERBERUS AHAHA WHAT A JOKE I'D RATHER EAT PAINT CHIPS KTHNX. And not just because I am unable to reconcile with Vincent Valentine's fabulous manthighs. Or the bit where he sits on his bed in full regalia in the moonlight, brooding, with a glass of wine on the nightstand and I just could not stop laughing.

Sorry, I'm done now. Please don't confiscate my internets.

WARNINGS: VALLEYGIRL SPEAK, RAMPANT STUPIDITY, SCISSORS, THINGS THAT TASTE LIKE MOVIE THEATRE FLOORS, TOO MUCH LIPSTICK.



Dear Miss L,
A friend of mine took me to this really awesome party at Vagrant Story and Star Ocean III's place, and OH MY GOD, if he did not introduce me to the hottest guy! The problem is, Alexander O. Smith, the totally hot dude, is just so cool and talks really smart, you know? So I don't know how to approach him without feeling, like, a complete idiot. Help me, Miss L! There's going to be totally awesome bash going down at Final Fantasy XII's soon, and I want to be the cutest girl there!

Feeling completely out of her league
in ---------shire, Ivalice



Dear Completely In Her League,
Hey, don't look down on yourself like that! Every sister has her +7 super cool abilities and Initiative bonus, and I just know there's the cutest girl at the party just waiting to get out from inside you! Just put together that fabulous outift I know you have in your closet, be yourself, and get out there to knock him dead! I hear that crossbow bolts to the chest are totally in right now, and Dolce & Gabbana now carries them in this spring's hottest colours!

Of course, a girl always needs to have her super special something ready in hand to fend off the competition-- and what says LOVE like a LOVELETTER! Not just any letter, though, but one made with all your affection and talents. So break out your arts and craft mojo, girls, because Miss L is going to walk you through this! And remember-- nothing says love like a restraining order. ♥



STEP #1: READY YOUR MATERIALS OF WAR.
The girl of worth is ready for any occasion! For this endeavour, we scoured the household for potentially worthy newspaper cuttings; newspapers, however, are an ill breed of monochromes and messy ink fingers, so we decided to make good use of the magazine stash instead. For this noble cause, our editor has sacrificed old copies of Cosmopolitan, The Duelist, and some Star Wars cards she bought for, like, a dollar.

(Any sniggering regarding the reading of said publications will be dutifully ignored.)

One must also be armed with scissors, a pen, some TACKY GLUE THAT SOMEBODY LEFT OVER AT MY HOUSE HEY AUDREY DON'T FORGET ABOUT IT NEXT TIME LOLZ, and some rations you can equip. Our editor has chosen pudding flavoured jellies, which the aforementioned Audrey has disdained on the grounds that they taste like the floor of a movie theater. Oh, like you would know.





STEP #2: KNOW YOUR ENEMY FUTURE WIFE.
Always be prepared! Cutting up a bajillion stupid little letters is no simple task, so write out your message beforehand-- thus, one may take a letter count, and know roughly the quota to achieve. Remember to always be courteous! If you wish something as humble as fingernail clippings to make a black magic voodoo doll, a nicely worded plea written in the blood of vigin goats is always looked upon more warmly than, say, a stolen ballpoint pen from the office. Some people just have no class, tsk.

Or, uh, scrap paper that isn't their old theory homework.


Our esteemed editor's final letter draft reads as following:

MSSR ALEXANDER O. SMITH
We cordially invite you to an evening of restraining orders and other fun times. Please bring own beer, and tar and feathers if need be. There will be a quiz next period. I ♥!!! YOU BE MY WIFE. I will treat you well. Please find enclosed a kiss and a coupon that I found.

XXOO,
L





STEP #3: ASSEMBLING YOUR LETTER OF LOVE.
Once a sizeable mass of alphabet has been monopolized under your benevolent guidance, start pasting for LOVE AND JUSTICE. Remember to keep the work area clean, folks-- nobody likes to scrape up dried glue wad. Unless you're using a gluestick. In which case, uh, I wish I actually knew where mine was so our papercraft wouldn't come out so shoddy. Behold neat workspace and irrelevant kittybox papercraft with a candy on its head! D'aw.





STEP #4: LIPSTICK NINJA BUST A MOVE.
Personalize, personalize, personalize! What will put the five goldstars on your letter is that extra bit of special tender love and care. Glitter, locks of hair, mixtapes made entirely of Broadway showstoppers-- you name it, you paste it. As our esteemed editor sniggers in an endearing ladylike manner if the subject of mixtapes is mentioned, she has opted for the abuse of her LIPSTICK NO JUTSU; also, a discount to a local health food store she found in the mail. HOW DEVIOUS IN HER CHOICE OF BAIT, she totally just leveled up in awesome.

For this occasion, we have enlisted the knockout power of our beloved Mademoiselle Coco's no.90 in Pirate Red, ohoho. I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY DID THIS WHAT A WASTE OF MAKEUP LOLZ Always happy to be of service, sir.





STEP #5: AVOIDING THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW, I.E. I HOPE YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY SEND IN YOUR LETTER YOU DORK.
Mine serves as a reminder that I need to find better hobbies. Like painting my walls with peanut butter.